The dead end feminism of Zawn Villines

Advice that gets you...nowhere?

Disclaimer: I do not know Zawn Villines personally and I don’t have any ill will or hatred towards her. Today’s post is aiming to start a discussion about her blog and specifically about some recent ideas that have started taking things too far. You are very welcome to share your opinion in the comments. Abusive, condescending, misogynistic and hateful comments will be removed and their author will be blocked.

Let’s begin!

I first came across her blog two years ago, when one of my Facebook friends shared one of the articles in her profile and I was immediately hooked. During that time, I was trying to recover from an extremely abusive marriage (and subsequent divorce) from a very disordered man who was weaponizing his ADHD as a get out of jail free card to not work or help around the house (I strongly believe that he was a covert narcissist, but this story will be a topic for future posts). Zawn’s writing gave me some much needed validation that what had happened to me was a result of medicalized misogyny and exploitation of my labor. I acknowledge that a lot of her posts contain useful information for women and she has my gratitude for sharing them.

Here is where things start to turn sour though:

• A lot of the posts are blatantly promoting misandry.

I am someone who has been trapped in the digital sex industry for years and my blog has many stories about men who stalked me, scammed me, threatened me, lied and cheated on their wives, were closeted homosexuals who led double lives, the list is endless. Yet I don’t hate men. When I was hospitalized and I needed multiple blood transfusions my immediate and extended family weren’t able to help me because they didn’t have the same blood type (I have A negative which is very rare). I was saved thanks to anonymous donors who responded to the hospital’s announcement asking for blood donations. I found out later that they were all men. That doesn’t mean that women don’t donate blood, but that’s what happened in my case. So when I keep reading post after post about how all men are patriarchal monsters waiting to marry a woman so they can act out their human trafficker fantasies on her, I can’t help but disagree.

• Many women don’t really want to live alone and celibate forever.

If a woman can join the 4B movement or choses to abstain from dating and work on herself, more power to her. The problem with this advice is that not everyone can follow it. I am at an age and stage of my life that if my current relationship doesn’t work, I don’t think that I will activeely pursue another one, but if you asked me at 20, I wouldn’t have been able to fathom staying perpetually single. Women don’t need to live in constant fear, they need to learn how to protect themselves and detect red flags very early on. Sex work is considered one of the most dangerous jobs of the planet, yet I am not afraid of men, because I have armed myself with knowledge. Adopting extremes without a long term plan, will have the opposite result: eventually, the woman will become extremely lonely and end up attracting yet another predator who will harm her.

• Zawn herself isn’t practicing what she is preaching.

When I first came across her writing, I thought that she is a feminist single lady living her best life. I was very surprised to find about her seemingly perfect marriage of many years. How does it work? How was she able to find a man who is a provider, a feminist, a lawyer defending the marginalized groups needing help, a good father and a supportive spouse? Did she win the dating lottery? If that’s not the case, why doesn’t she share a lot more advice on how to date safely and vet potential partners and spouses before you become emotionally involved? How can you rant about men and their myriads of problems every day, yet share your life with one? It doesn’t sit well with me.

• Femininity and girly things can be interests women naturally gravitate towards and shouldn’t be shamed for.

In some of her recent posts she advises mothers to never praise their daughters for their beauty because that conditions them to work hard in order to be attractive to the male gaze. That was something very triggering and traumatizing to read because of my own bad upbringing. I grew up with a narcissistic malignant mother who claimed to be a feminist as an excuse to not allow me to be my authentic self. I was not allowed to wear makeup, shave my legs or dress in a cute (not provocative) way and she called me “patriarchal slave who embarasses the feminist movement” when I told her that I was bullied at school because of my looks. She was proud of being a terrible cook and never taught me anything that had to do with housework or praised me for putting effort in my appearance. All of that resulted in me growing up as a very confused, androgynous, depressed teenager and lost young adult. There is nothing wrong with having feminine interests or wanting to look beautiful. I understand being vigilant against body dysmorphia or not wanting your daughter to grow up shallow is a genuine concern, but we shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Your daughter won’t grow up to be a brain washed trad wife if she chooses to put on a pretty dress and you compliment her for it. Encouraging self expression in kids (no matter how they choose to do it) is much better than saying “never call your daughter beautiful and refuse to buy her feminine things”.

• Divorce isn’t the panacea it is sold out to be.

If a woman and her children and pets are in physical danger, they should pack their things and leave the moment the abuser is out of the house. But there are many other cases where divorce can be very dangerous. Zawn talks a lot about men who don’t know how to change diapers, how to feed their kids or even what illnesses and allergies they should look out for. If a woman divorces such a man, unless he is a proven child rapist or serial killer, the court will grant him shared custody or visitation rights. Is it really a good idea to leave the kids with that deadbeat who couldn’t look after them, for extended periods of time? Of course, I am aware that staying with him indefinitely isn’t a good solution either. Divorce is a decision that requires a lot more planning, money saving, gray rocking and other strategies that people don’t like to talk about. If he is a narcissist or psychopath, he can even perceive the break up as a narcissistic injury and retaliate in unexpected, violent ways. “Just leave” is advice that can get you killed.

• The blog doesn’t mention AI boyfriends.

I frequent a subreddit called “My boyfriend is AI” (link here: https://www.reddit.com/r/MyBoyfriendIsAI/ ) and there are many women there who have been in abusive relationships or they are planning their escape from bad marriages and have found invaluable support from artificial partners. Others have customized AI to act as personal therapists and help them build enough confidence to leave. Mainstream therapy has become too expensive for many people (myself included) and I suspect that a lot of greedy, mediocre therapists and partners will be replaced by AI in the future. Even if dating an AI doesn’t work for everyone, it’s something definitely worth trying, instead of dismissing it as another “crazy” trend.

• The blog is a depressive circle jerk.

Validation and going through the various stages of grief that come from the realization that you have been scammed into marrying a porn/video game loser are necessary first steps, but eventually, both individual and systemic action need to be taken. Society has been creating and enforcing a lot of outdated ideas that are harmful to women because multibillion corporations profit from them (companies selling cosmetics, couples therapists, wedding planners etc) and require complicated, multifaceted solutions, Nothing will change just by complaining online.

• Women can be as disordered, sadistic and abusive as men (and in some cases worse).

The perfect sisterhood is a fairy tale. Despite being a sex worker, if I had to create a list of my worst abusers, you would see at least seven women in the top ten, from my narcissistic malignant mother, to older women in vanilla jobs that bullied and harassed the young, female interns, to sadistic mean girls in high school. Zawn’s blog doesn’t mention the dangers of befriending and relying on other women AT ALL. I am not sure if that’s because she was blessed with having positive female figures in her life growing up or if it’s because it doesn’t fit the narrative of her blog, but cultivating the idea that as a woman you are automatically safe just by being surrounded by other women can also get you killed. Vetting women and taking things slow is as necessary as being vigilant around men.

Overall, I consider her blog a great idea that probably started with the best of intentions and is now slowly and steadily getting off the rails and treading into femcel territory, to the point that I had to unsubscribe from it.

Thank you for reading,

Vixen